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The Onion produces the best fake news in the world!!!!
Sure this article is fake, but all you have to do is change the word "schoolchildren" to "taxpayers" and the article is pretty close to being true. Congress Takes Group Of Schoolchildren Hostage SEPTEMBER 29, 2011 | ISSUE 47•39 WASHINGTON—Brandishing shotguns and semiautomatic pistols, members of the 112th U.S. Congress took a class of visiting schoolchildren hostage this morning, barricading themselves inside the Capitol rotunda, where they remain at press time. If the money is not delivered by this evening, members of Congress say they will shoot a new child every hour on the hour. House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH), who has emerged as spokesman for the bipartisan group, informed FBI negotiators that the legislative body's demands would be issued within the next hour, and that if any attempt is made to stage a rescue "all the kids will die." "At this time, we are waiting for more information and to see what the U.S. Congress's demands might be," Special Agent Douglas Burkett of the FBI Crisis Negotiation Unit said. "In the meantime, we have snipers on the Supreme Court building, the Ulysses S. Grant Memorial, and the National Museum of the American Indian, but so far none of them has been able to get a clear shot at any senators or representatives." "While there's an assault team on the way, they won't be able to breach the door if members of Congress have rigged the place with explosives," Burkett added. "And that's quite possible. From the looks of things, I'd say they've been planning this for a while." Shaken witnesses reported that the ordeal broke out around 10 a.m. this morning, when in the midst of a Capitol tour, Sen. Harry Reid (D-NV) suddenly burst into the National Statuary Hall with a pair of black panty hose over his head and began firing a Beretta 9 mm handgun into the air, shouting, "Everybody down! Everybody get the fuck down!" The schoolchildren were then led into the nearby Great Rotunda at gunpoint, where an agitated, profusely sweating Rep. Peter Roskam (R-IL) bound their hands and feet and duct-taped them to various sculptures, including a monument to women's suffrage and a marble figure of former president James Garfield. Although cell phones were confiscated immediately, one student managed to tweet a short video showing what appeared to be Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-NY) pistol-whipping a chaperone who attempted to yell for help. At press time, FBI negotiators said they are expecting an appearance from House Speaker Boehner on the Capitol steps within the next hour. |